| Lyrics
i'll be the grapes fermented
bottled and
served with the table set in my finest suit
like a perfect gentleman.
i'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the
ancient brick where you will sit and
contemplate your day.
i'll be the waterwings that save you if you
start drowning in an open tab when your
judgement's on the brink.
i'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
albums back as your lying there drifting off
to sleep.
i'll be the platform shoes and undo what
heredity's done to you:
you won't have to
strain to look into my eyes.
i'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped
straight to the throat with the collar up so
you won't catch cold.
i want to take you far away from the cynics in this
town and kiss you on the mouth.
we'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of
this scene,
start a brand new colony
where everything will change, we'll give
ourselves new names (identities erased.)
the sun will heat the ground under our bare
feet in this brand new colony.
everything will change...
everything will change...
The Postal Service
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| if you even care |
| 01.22.04 (8:50 am) |
im sitting in the media center...this is my final.
so, as for the update.
my household sucks and being 18 is pointless.
School sucks
Work sucks
most people suck
friends are good though.
and that about sums it up.
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4 Comments
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| im like... |
| 01.18.04 (2:08 am) |
going cross eyed looking at the computer screen. I am very fucking tired. But oh well, i dont feel like sleeping, so i think i am just going to wait for the sun to be up before i pass out. I wish i had the money to jump in my truck and drive to the beach to watch the sunrise, but i dont have the money, nor the energy, nor anyone to drag along with me at the moment.
So moving along from that. Has anyone here read the perks of being a wallflower? I know that Becki read it, but other then that my darling friend Maehem has and both have told me to read it, i dont even have any idea what it is about. oh well.
Now, for the next topic. Nick is REALLY pissing me off. he is such a fat presumptios asshole. Seriously, its not my fauly that i dont like him. He needs to get over himself, and he needs to stop acting like i did something wrong when all i did was tell the kid that i didnt want anything to do with him from the start. But oh well.
Im listening to piebald. my eyes are going more and mroe crosseyed....fuckit.. but there is more randomness to come.
I was reading a book at barnes and noble the other day and it was about blood types. I am AB positive. Apparently only 2% of the population is of the AB blood type. I think that is so awesome. Apparently its the newest evolution of the human species. and like we all would be AB by now if we still had survival of the fittest goin on but we dont. It is reallllllly invincable to diseases like typhoid malaria and some other shit. but its also more susceptible to cancer, heart disease and anti imuno diseases. Cool, or not..i guess it depends on how you look at it.
OK I AM REALLY FUCKING TIRED. I LIKE PUT MY HEAD UP AGAINST THE WALL AND IM OUT INSTANTANEOUSLY. I WOULD TRY READING, BUT MY BOOK IS IN MY TRUCK AND THERE IS NO WAY THAT I AM GOING TO GO OUTSIDE TO GET IT. SO IM PROBABLY GONNA PASS OUT NOW
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| fuck subhect lines... |
| 01.14.04 (8:06 am) |
yea, im here. I would have updated sooner but I was having trouble getting onto tblog for like a week. you blogger guys know what im talking about. Fuckin insanity i tell you. insanity. so..now to the update.
I am 18, i dont care anymore. I was all emo about it at first and i really didnt want to be an adult. I mean, if you think about it you fcan go to jail for more things and you have to watch who you get with. Thats about it. Oh, and more bills. Speaking of which...since eddie isnt here i need to go to the bank to set up a checking account..but thats irrelevant.
Ive enjoyed the whole thing. A little more freedom then i used to have. I mean sure i do have to be home at 10 still, but the thing is..even if i come in after im not getting bitched out on as much as i was. The whole fact that she couldnt give a fuck about me drinking all of a sudden is hott too. But yea, not being home at 12..even if sometimes im gonna have to be in at 1, i can handle. I mean, i could really stay out all fucking night if i had a place or a reason that i was going to. For example, gran im going to a show in new york im probably not gonna be home until like 6 in the morning..she wouldnt give a fuck because i was giving her a place and there was an actual reason. But if i dont, she thinks im just roaming the streets getting stoned or something.
But yea. like the day, or maybe 2 days after my birthday i dragged eddie with me to the flea market and i got my septum pierced. That was fun. Actually..it wasnt. it hurt like a bitch, i cried, ill be honest. But i guarentee if you get it done you are gonna cry too. Right after though, it didnt hurt at all. Couldnt even feel it. He said it was gonna hurt the next day but it didnt at all. i got sick and had a horribly runny nose..and that was making it bad. But that seems to be gone and its doing really really really good, and im happy about it. Despite the pain..id recomend it to anyone. That is if you are the type who can pull it off. Its just a cool place to have a piercing and its easily concealable and just fun. Ha, then i can call you a poser for getting it after me.
Yea, and then, on friday or saturday. Probably saturday since i have to go to this show at school on friday..or then itd be earlier on friday. But im goin down with mike and eddie and i dont really know who else and mike is getting a new piercing. Im getting my tragus and a nautical star tattood on my wrist. If i dont have enough money for both then im definitly gonna get the tattoo. I cant wait..like seriously, im excited.
So guys. The bell is going to ring in like .5 seconds. I only really got done with the stupid shit that i wanted to update you about, however, there is a lot more but you are all gonna have to wait for that. Adios bitches, ill see your asses later. :lol:
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| Iveeeeee |
| 01.08.04 (10:27 pm) |
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been denied, all the best ultra-sex
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| NCsC5a |
| 01.05.04 (7:52 pm) |
so i really wish that tblog had a client for updating like livejournal does, it would make it a lot easier. But whatever.
Anyway, yea, im turning 18 on thursday, im gonna spare you all the rant about how i dont want to grow up that i posted on LJ, but instead im gonna update on some other aspects of it, but first, lets start from the begining.
First, i dont know if im gonna be still living where I am once i am, or in the near future afterwards. There is this crazy shit with my grandmother and my mother, and my mom getting a new house, and my grandparents getting a new house and all this shit, and its all annoying as hell. But whatever. My mom got out of [b]surgery[/b] today, i found out that she was going for [i]another[/i] one yesterday, but she is all good. Its crazy, i like, worry about my family hardcore, what with my mom and her surgerys and cancer, and my grandmothers ever failing mental capacity. Once agian..oh well, what can i do.
But yea, [b]18[/b]. Apparently my mom is giving me [b]$500-600[/b] as a combined graduation/birthday present, "just in case" although, i dont know what she means by that. but that is hot, because with her money alone, im gonna be able to set up the [b]checking account[/b], that i have been waiting to set up. The only reason why i have not already is because you have to be 18. But yea, im gonna set one of those motherfuckers up, along with a check card and all that snazzy shit. And that will be fun. Plus other money, maybe ill be able to fix my truck up a bit, since i have the feeling it is going to be dying any moment. I also need to pay my grandparents back money that i borrowed for fixing the truck previously..but oh well. That will have to get done too. Which will mean in the end me having like no money whatsover. So aggrevating.
But yea. So that equals, new piercings, which eddie shall be accompanying me too. As well as opening a checking account, and i hope i get the new kool credit card type liscense, but i dont know if they are out yet. Damnit, they better be.
But yea. Thats that for that. The only other thing that is awesome about my life and or day is that i finally beat that one part in vice city that i was having such a problem with. And im kicking ass in it at the moment.
Hmm, yea, im gonna go, cuz people are talking to me online, and i wanna get the social thing done, maybe play some more games, and them hopefully get to bed at a reasonable time tonight.
NIGHT fools
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| aieee |
| 01.03.04 (9:23 pm) |
[b]its so hard to see when your eyes are rollin into the back of your head
its even harder to speak when everything you say just comes out wrong[/b]
blahhhhh. much has been said recently. But i guess thats because there is not much to say. Break has been hott, and its almost over. With it coming to a close i can feel a slight depression moving in. I dont want to go back, im fucking worried, and starting to get stressed. Fucking god, i just really dont want to go back. It has been some fun times, but now its almost over.
And i cant believe its fucking [b]2004[/b]. what the hell is up with that? jesus christ..200fucking4 . I am gonna be 18 anyday now. A fucking adult. Its 2004, we are gonna graduate any fucking day now. And its as if everything isnt gonna be different when we all turn 18, but let alone now we are going to be all going our seperate ways? Fuuuccckkkkk. I dont want this to be over. not yet. There are still shit i need to do, things that need to be done, shit that needs to be said. everything. ughhhh.
I am gonna stop myself from continuing that rant, because i was already starting to repeat myself. I need a fucking shower and I need a fucking cigarette. Im gonna go do that now.
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| fuck |
| 12.29.03 (10:42 pm) |
[b]do you want to know everything?[/b]
i am so stressed. i dont even care anymore. today was just horribly stressing. i am tired, and overwhelmed. and i know everything is just going to get worse and worse and worse as long as i am awake, so shortly, i shall no longer be awake.
i dont know what else there is to say. probably nothing. today is gonna be a bad day, and i know it is because i know im gonna make it one. i need to brood to get this out of my system, its the only alternative to just holding shit in.
i wish that there was someone here right now that i could just fucking make out with. nothing more, nothing less. just fucking make out with for an hour. and then fall asleep with. but thats not happening. so im going to bed.
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| yes lostcase |
| 12.27.03 (1:45 am) |
you are most certainly invited to the dinner thing! can you get your ass over her to jersey?
Hmm, so anyway guys, im back again for tonight. Kind of strange since before today i have not really been over to tblog for like a week. ::sigh:: :? I feel kind of bad that all my entries so far have been of the drug related sort. LoL, but dex was a couple weeks ago, and i decided not to do the dramamine.
Buttttt, yea my cousin justin is over, we are chillin watching dvds in my room on my kick ass portable dvd player, and randomly we were both in the mood to get a little buzzin goin on, and i was lookin and i found the motherload of prescirption medication. oxycottin, oxycodone, percoset, valium. etc etc etc. yeaaaa. fun. First i had a valium and he had an oxycodone, and then awhile later cuz we were not feeling anything we both had an oxycottin. Apparently the only reason why we were not feelin anything at first was because of the fact that we had a huge meal before we took em, because all of a sudden like an hour later we both start to feel reallly messed up. LoL, like kind of having trouble walking completly coordinated. im pretty good with typing, but lets just say im backspacing a lot. But yea, thats pretty fuckinkool and chill. Right now we are watching queen of the damned. That movie kicks ass, and before that we watched the replacements. I guess that was an ok movie, i didnt really watch the entire thing because i was playing alice in wonderland. But the ending was pretty sweet. We might end up staying up all night, and if that is the case I think that we are gonna put Donnie Darko in next.
annnyywaayyy. I am gonna go because typing is overrated at the moment. later sonz
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| all this time and every promise is true |
| 12.26.03 (1:34 pm) |
hey motherfuckers. whats goin on? Merry beleated christmas. How was all of your christmas's? Mine was good, other then said madness. Well, madness wasnt really said unless you read my livejournal, so oh well.
Anyway, i have not been here in awhile, but its not like that much has been going on. It was christmas yesterday, and my cousin is coming over tonight. You know, the one who thinks hes black. But he is kool, so itll work out. Ive spent the day cleaning the house and burning copies of various games that i stole from the EB library so that i can return them yet still play them.
Last night i chilled with Dave and Jen, we dyed Daves hair black, i hope he managed to get all of it off of his scalp by now :wink: mine is still there. Ya, i put some on too.
Blah, so last night when we were stopped at wallgreens to get daves hair dye i picked up some dramamine, cuz yea, apparently im told it can be fun. But then i began my intese research thing, because im like that. I also posted an entry asking for info on it on that chemical whore community that im a member of on LJ. Just about everyone that commented was like dont do it, cuz apparenly its evil fucking insane and does fucked up shit to your body, so i guess I wont be doing that. Oh well, i dont really need it. Hmm. But i do have money, so i could buy some better stuff anyway :roll:
So yea, since christmas is over, id like to point out to all of you that read this that my birthday is coming up, [b]JANUARY EIGTH[/b] all of you that read this, we need to go out to eat or something. ill probably think of something kool to do other then that, but lets get the basic dinner down first.
Hmm, 18. That should be fun. I had to go to my therapist today, she is trying to convince me to move out on my birthday, was not expecting her to take that standpoint, but oh well. Itd be nice, if only i have the financial means of fully supporting myself. But at the least, 18th birthday means nipple piercings and septum piercing. YEEEAAAAAA
LoL, aright guys, i gotta run, my mom just showed up at mi casa, adios.
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| im commited to insecurity and you |
| 12.21.03 (10:26 pm) |
i swear. i am going to fucking punch jon in the face if he adds "famous" to one more mother-fucking word. Seriously. Its not fucking funny to be going to "famous" tonight. And its not funny to go and smoke up or should i say "[b]GET FAMOUS[/b]". Take you and your fucking famous ass and go to [b]FAMOUS FUCKING HELL[/b]
I was so pissed off today. Hannah was moping about jon, and i am glad that hannah and i had the conversation, because i feel as if i may have actually helped her. I wish i knew what she saw in him because he is such a fucking asshole. Gr. can you tell im pissed right now? anyway, its hard to go any more into the hannah egg thing without posting the convo, and i dont feel like searching for that on dead aim.
:evil:
Anyway. this weekend was hot. I probably should have done dex on friday. Im on the line whether or not it was worth it. I had whatever 16 x 30MG each is. And it was fucking intense. Although a lot different then my previous 2 maybe 3 times. Like, 1 it really snuck up on me. I was feeling it, and then it was like i was [b]FEELING[/b] it. Everything was a lot more intense, plus a little more trippy. Like, my christmas lights were kooler, and music was a lot funner. I wanted to go out and go for a walk and just take everything in, cuz that was always kool on dex, but i was in my house and i was trying to not be as obvious as possible to the parents. I vaguely remember talking to lindsey at some point. I made nick make her call me. i was online, but ignoring everyone for my corner and was like IM her. i had an interesting conversation, cuz lindsey when she is acting like her delusional self can be quite fun sometimes. I finally understand alex the one time he was dexed out at my house. When he was all like he could do anything and he was so powerful. Cuz Nick tried to start with me at some point and it wasnt any emotion at all, but i just felt like a wave when he tried to wrestle with me cuz i was like "ill destroy you" and just kind of knocked him off. lol, i then wanted to go outside and run to NY as pixi was trying to convince me to do. But that would have been bad, because the whole robo walk..doesnt seem like running would have been fun. Though i have been told people on angel dust cna do some insane fucking things, and since they are the same class of drugs.
Anyway. i need to go to sleep. adios motherfuckers
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| i am so messed up |
| 12.19.03 (6:10 pm) |
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dammmmn. and im having fun. Its actually hard to type at the moment. Im starting to get more and more dissasociated cuz i just took more a little while ago. Lets go dex. damn, have not done it in so long. But im thouroughly enjoying myself at the moment. ::sigh:: yea, im probably gonna be back later
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| purple...is the color my hair is being dyed |
| 12.17.03 (8:50 pm) |
:lol:
you guys are privy to that, and its in at the moment and i have to take it out soon. all the bitches on livejournal dont get to know that cuz they are not as kool as you.
Um, my grandmother is being a worthless whore.
moving on.
I got to see [b]BON JOVI[/b] today, that kicked ass, because I have not seen him in a long time. Also saw LOTR. slight dissapointment, but i liked it.
Also, i dont know whether or not i plan on talking to cori (bitch that other entry was about)
I really dont feel like expelling effort on her, and if i have not been jumping to talk to her before it why should i now? she is just unnessasary ( i know thats spelt wrong). eh, whatever. People annoy me.
aright, i gotta go wash out my hair now
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| HA FUCKING HA |
| 12.15.03 (10:07 pm) |
sdlkfhkjsdhfkjsdf
I fucking love this. I am sure you will too, this is the cunt from the post a bit back accusing me of stupid shit.
[b][i]nicklov128bsb[/i][/ b]: listen.. i just wanted to say that i was sorry about the other day.. so much was going on and things are still getting worse as i write this to you.. and i know that i hurt you with some of the things i said.. but what i heard hurt me too and i didnt know who to believe seeing as how i heard it from more than one person.. i dont have anyone in my life i can trust right now and its a little hard for me.. ive always had someone there for me that i could trust with everything.. but right now i dont have that.. again i just wanted to say im sorry.. and i hope that you can forgive and forget.. i really need all the friends i can get right now.. seeing as how they all seem to be disappearing one by one right now.. well just text me later and let me know either way.. if you forgive me or not.. if you dont forgive me ill understand.. i guess.. well goodnight
....................
haha, im gonna sleep like a fucking baby now knowing that she feels like shit. She fucking deserves it. Rot in hell bitch
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| oops |
| 12.15.03 (8:36 pm) |
i accidentally deleted my avatar..ill fix that at some point. In the mean time...in case u delete the popup that comes when u leave this site. GO TO MY LJ! its hott
http://dimmingmemoirs.livjournal.com" title="http://dimmingmemoirs.livjournal.com" target="_blank"http://dimmingmemoirs.livjour...
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| fuck |
| 12.15.03 (10:32 am) |
Tim, if you have as of yet figured out how to get into my tblog, you are coming with me on wednesday to see lord of the rings. ok?
Moving along...hey everyone whats up? Nothing here. IM in pain. My nose still kind of hurts since last night. Not in the same way, but it feels like my sinuses are never ending. it just keeps coming and coming. This is what i get for snorting things. ::sigh::
This stupi girl in my class just told me not to never talk to her again. I say..good call. Do you think that I actually give a fuck guys? nope.
In other news. I am pissed off. My grandmother is a nazi and randomly made a doctors appointment for tonight when i have work, and she doesnt tell me, i find out from my aunt who was supposed to drive me, and i cant go to the Dr today because i have to miss work tommorow for counseling, but i cant go there because i dont have a ride because my grandparents are going toi a lawyer? but they wont tell me why. and AHHHHHHHHHHHhh
ok, im done
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| . |
| 12.14.03 (4:37 pm) |
gr. my grandmothers mind is slipping like more and more every fucking day, and the damn woman just threatend to go in and freak out on the people in 7-11 if i bough cigarettes when she was in the car with me. kjsbdflsadbzsdk! aaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
god fucking damnit.
so anyway. it snowed today. I hate the fucking snow, not usually, but i think i do today because it caught me by surprise, i had no idea it was coming. then it got all fucking rainy and disgusting. i had a birthday party for my little cousin, it sucked, and was boring, and he was acting like a little bastard and i was so close to smaking him upside the head. Suzanne came because he wanted her to, and i felt bad because it was boring as hell.
speaking of 8 year old cousins. my uncles girlfriends nephew that is 8, that i know fairly well tried to kill himself this weekend by running into an on-coming car. wow.. 8.. sad shit
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| requiems |
| 12.13.03 (1:22 pm) |
:?
hmm, yea. its 4:18, im working on cleaning some shit that my grandmother wants me to do. gr, she annoys me.
but..i am good right now, i know its gonna come back around for round 2, and 3, and 4. but its all chill now, so fuck it, why worry about that. right?
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| stuff |
| 12.10.03 (10:19 pm) |
So i was gonna post this on my LJ, but it is being a fuckin ass and wont update for no reason at all. But first, i would like to take this time to say....
[b]WELCOME NIGHTQUEEN![/b]
you know, you could say that i forgot about you, but i did drop some comments on your tblog to let u know i was back here and i figured you would ask me about it whenever u went to my site. Shows me just how often you actually drop by here :x
Also, yes pixi, i was incredibly stoned, lol. Mhmmm, the tuna sounds good tho, as long as u edit it to chicken salad.
anyway, insert entry that wont post on LJ
i have over the past year;
matured
calmed down
but gotten crazier
gotten better
gotten worse.
i definitly think this past year was insanely crazy, and id have to thank those people that were constantly there for me through it.
[b]becki eddie tim[/b]
i heart you guys.
but yea, what has brought this is im talking to someone about how crazy we are, and the stupid things we do/have done. Idk, shits fucked up, and i honestly dont know if i was over reacting, or if it was different then, or what. i think its a little bit of both, plus me not giving a fuck about a lot more things now. Senior year, while i would not go as far to bitch about how its "the best year of my life" and get all emo and bitch about how im gonna cry cuz ill miss it, but i would say, that senior year, i have noticed among myself, and my friends, a lot of people maturing, sure we are still immature fucks..but there is something about us that is different. A certain veteran sense if you will. I dont know. A lot of the same dumbass problems are there for all of us, and a lot of new ones have surfaced, but when i think back to last year..and i put this shit in that situation..i wouldnt have been able to take certain things..id be dead, and its as simple as that. I would be fucking dead so fast, none of you would know what happend..and by now, it would be a year since my death, and all of you would be moving on and have forgotten me. But it didnt happen that way, and all that fucked up shit that happend, it really brought me a lot closer to people that i cant imagine my life without. They were there for me.
::sigh:: this is a stupid emo post that probably just mirrors many that have been posted before. But oh fucking well. And fuck any of you that have anything to say about it.
Anyway. Today was kool, school was decent, Panico apoloigized for telling me he was going to fight to the death to have me removed from the second part of his class, and after school i had detetnion, with bon jovi, which was funny..cuz he is not even in our school. Then we walked around, ended up at diennas. Unfortunatly eddie couldnt come to chill with us, which both jon and i were hardcore looking forward to, but shit happens, and we shall all chill at some point soon enough. But then it was time to jump on the 4:30 bus, and back home, and to being grounded.
My cousin didnt take my truck in yet, but im hoping that shit gets done tommorow, so that i can drive to the chourus thing. Im hardcore looking forward to that, its actually pretty kool, but it also gets me outta the house, and the deciding factor is 2 kickass people are singing in it.
Anyway, im tired as hell, and, i feel the need to go eat some ice cream, read some of the most kick ass book ever "survivor" chick palinchiuk, and then go to bed.
adios motherfuckers
p.s. i heart those online things that predict ure future life, but in actuality just e-mail the answers to the person that sent it to you. I find them hysterical, because the shit like who do u have a crush on? are you a virgin? do you like anyone of the same sex? is all stuff that would have scared me shitless a few years ago, but by now everyone knows anyway. LoL, i heart you jen! wait, i think it was jen that sent it to me?? bah, i cant remember. once again
adios motherfuckers
I would also like to add.
[i][u][b]WHY THE FUCK AM I SITTING HERE ONLINE AWAKE, EVEN THOUH I WAS TIRED AS SHIT IN SCHOOL, AND I KNOW THAT THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME? TOMMOROW NIGHT AT 10 O'CLOCK, I BILL BLUMIG, HAVE A FUCKING DATE WITH A SLEEPING PILL AND OR PAIN KILLER, AND I WILL BE IN BED BY FUCKIN 12, AND OR BEFORE 12.[/b][/u][/i]
Night! even tho im not gonna go to bed.
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| guys... |
| 12.08.03 (10:11 pm) |
i just made an entire box of pork roll..eggs and cheese, all mixed in..and an entire half box of thin mint girl scount cookies. I just felt the need to say that.
Anyway, I also wanted to tell ALLLLLL of you i love you.
becki eddie jon dave pixi jen brianna tim
and i think thats it, but im terribly sorry if i forgot someone, although i dont think i did
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| so... |
| 12.08.03 (9:42 pm) |
i messed with it a lot even though it may not seem like that. I put up a lot of new code stuff..it didnt all work, it started canceling stuff out, i had this kool mouse thing, and it wouldnt let the stuff scroll on the bottom and it was just making the page slower..so i took it off and have the scroller instead. Also, i put a popupthingy, so that when people leave this page my livejournal shows up..so for those that stumble across my tblog and cant get in know where to find me, or if i just know them from tblog. Even though they could just ask me for a password and if it was one of them id give it, but oh welll. Tell me if the popup is excessivly annoying..if so i can take it off.
Anyway, thats about it for now. adios sons
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| welcome... |
| 12.08.03 (4:15 pm) |
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becki jen and brianna
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| >;o) |
| 12.07.03 (9:32 pm) |
Billly gets to see Jon and Eddie on wednesday!
=))))))))))
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| this is what livin like this does |
| 12.07.03 (3:57 pm) |
aggrevatingly enough, all of these blogs so far have for the most part been me bitching..sorry about that, im sure it just makes you people want to read it hardcore. Oh well. but yea..this one is gonna be much the same..
Hannah and Megan stopped by today and i like, was half dressed cuz i just crawled out of bed..they always seem to stop by the moment after i woke up. They were here for a couple hours, and i ended up making hannah a LJ.
At least them being here gave me something to think about. I am convinced that this whole winter depression thing that everyone always talks about is actually for real. Idk..its just..ive been so blah lately. With everything that happend last week with the Panic attack..and then the other night with Cori, and then my grandfather. I feel so fucking lonely, and i have not felt like this in a long time.
I feel bad for everyone that i bitch to. The reason i point out the whole winter thing is because lately everyone is non-stop bitching and its fucking annoying as hell, for the most part. Im not talking like you guys that read this, but im talkin like stupid people that i dont give a fuck about ranting about how they want to shoot themselves. grr. idk. And then i feel bad when i rant to anyone, because nobody no matter who they are needs my shit on top of their own.
I just feel lonely, so fucking lonely. I wish that someone was here right now that i just could lay next to and cuddle, or kiss, or something. Nothing big, just something for me to know that they were there.
I think that half of my problem is that im grounded..i mean, when i was not at least i could go out with the friends and chill and think of something to do..at the very least driving around and smoking was something to do. But now..i sit in my fucking house. Sure..people can come over and chill with me, but I feel bad when they do because i have to be boring as hell..theres nothing to do in my house. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. im going crazy. I cant take this. and i dont know what this is. I know that part of it is this stupid sense of loneliness..this feeling that even when people are there..they arent. But there has to be more, and i dont even know what it is. Not exactly like the lonliness, its a feeling completly different, a feeling of something missing. idk.
but yea..im working on some new icons..check em out people
[image]quiksiiver_6169200 33.jpg[/image] [image]quiksiiver_9409882 76.jpg[/image] [image]quiksiiver_9762663 90.jpg[/image] [image]quiksiiver_5171998 38.jpg[/image]
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| random |
| 12.06.03 (6:45 pm) |
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so i added like 10,000 little different things to my site today, but half of them didnt work cuz i was putting the javascript in the wrong section of the html, oh well..so yea, thats not gonna get done today. fuck it, ill do it at some point. I had a kool pic up from the postal service but it was making the font hard to see, so im gonna have to change that at some point. [b]Jon[/b], do you still think that my site is more organized then my LJ? lol
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| FIGHT TILL YOU DIE |
| 12.06.03 (2:28 pm) |
i just got screamed at and yelled at. I just got thrown to the fucking floor. Called some of the most hateful shit i have ever heard. This is fucking ridiculous. I hate my family. Not the ones in my house, the ones in East Brunswick that sit there cracked out making up fucking bullshit stories, and saying them to my friends to get me in trouble, just because they dont fucking like me. Then i tell my grandparents looking for help, and my fucking grandfather starts screaming at me and going fucking insane. he started to act like he was gonna hit me like he used to. I got in his fucking face, i stood eye to fucking eye with the asshole and i put my finger on my face and i told him to hit me as hard as he fucking could and i fucking dared him, and i fucking screamed at him, and i got so fucking close to his face that when he yelled at me and i yelled back my lips were touching his face. my grandmother is screaming at both of us, until my grandfather starts putting words in my mouth and making ridiculous shit up. all because of my fucking coke head cousin and her dip shit valley girl dyke, that likes to make shit up because i wouldnt fuck her when she wanted me.
and then its my fucking fault because obviously why would she ever say that she had sex with "me" as if there was something wrong with me, when fucking in all honesty as assholish as it is why would i do shit with her? shed be luck yot have me cuz i was the nicest person to ever talik to her, i took her to fucking prom because i liked her as a friend, but then she talks about me like i have some fucking disease, when its like id fuck her, when shes fucking a fat piece of shit and smells
nicklov128bsb: so i heard that you told jessica that we hooked up and slept together..
Auto response from nicklov128bsb: fucking with my sites
Dimming Memoirs: what are you smoking?
Dimming Memoirs: when do i ever talk to jess?
Dimming Memoirs: honestly
nicklov128bsb: im not smoking anything
Dimming Memoirs: that is the most fucked up thinkg i have ever heard
nicklov128bsb: this was while we were all still working together she was told this
nicklov128bsb: i dont know who to believe you or your cousin becka
Dimming Memoirs: yea, well i never told her anything.
nicklov128bsb: well thats not what i heard
Dimming Memoirs: believe who the fuck you want, im sick of the shit people at dariy queen talked still coming around. and im sick of that side of my family talking shit about me
nicklov128bsb: see i dont understand why you are getting pissed off.. if anyone should be pissed off its me.. you told her this and it is not true.. i would never have sex with anyone before im married.. let alone you
Dimming Memoirs: I AM PISSED OFF BECAUSE SOMEONE IS SAYING THAT I SAID SOMETHING I DIDNT. YOU ARE BELIEVING THEM, AND GETTING MAD AT ME FOR SOMETHING THAT IS COMPLETLY UNTRUE
Dimming Memoirs: THEN YOU FUCKING INSULT ME WITH "LET ALONE YOU" AS IF THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME
nicklov128bsb: listen im pissed off thats why i said let alone you.. what i heard last night hurt me.. i thought that we were friends.. and i never thought i would hear that something like that was being spread about me.. ive never been anything but nice to anyone.. and now there is all this shit i am hearing about me and what the hell am i supposed to do
Dimming Memoirs: well i dont fucking know either, but dont get pissed at me and insult me when i didnt do anything
Dimming Memoirs: especially when people have said to me before that they heard we were going out and hooked up and i informed them that it never happend
Dimming Memoirs: some girl came over my house the other night with one of my friends and she knew you cuz she was in ure class and she said thats what she heard
Dimming Memoirs: i doint know her name
Dimming Memoirs: but ill ask my friend, and u can ask her how i was the one to tell her that nothing happend
nicklov128bsb: i am pissed at you and i can be pissed at you if i want to be.. i never told anyone anything like that.. i dont lie about things that have never happened and probably will never happen
Dimming Memoirs: AND I DONT LIE ABOUT THEM EITHER
Dimming Memoirs: SO I CAN BE PISSED AT U JUST AS MUCH FOR SAYING I DID SOMETHIN THAT I NEVER DID
nicklov128bsb: you find out who that person is and ill set them straight too while i am at it..
Dimming Memoirs: I HAVE JUST AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE PISSED AS YOU BECAUSE SOMEONE IS SAYING HOW I DID SHIT WITH U THAT I NEVER DID
nicklov128bsb: no because i never said it.. and how do i know that you are telling the truth about this.. that people told y ou this.. the only person i ever talked to about likeing you was heidi and shes a bitch and i dont talk to her anymore.. i never told her anything besides the fact that i used to like you
nicklov128bsb signed off at 5:08:08 PM.
nicklov128bsb signed on at 5:08:16 PM.
nicklov128bsb: so you got nothing left to say? no other thing to say to defend yoursef and maybe try and make me not hate you right now
Dimming Memoirs: my grandfather just told me to never talk to him for the rest of my life because of this shit
Dimming Memoirs: i just got thrown to the floor
Dimming Memoirs: he was an inch from punching me in the fucking face
Dimming Memoirs: because of this shit
Dimming Memoirs: i dont care who the fuck u want to believe
Dimming Memoirs: sit ther eand listen to rebecca and jess, who have shit talked about me their netire lifes
Dimming Memoirs: i dont fucking care
Dimming Memoirs: but dont bring me into it
Dimming Memoirs: if your gonna talk to me about shit they said that they made up, dont fucking talk to me at all
Dimming Memoirs: if your gonna say something normalk, go ahead
Dimming Memoirs: talk to me
Dimming Memoirs: but im not gonna deal with this
nicklov128bsb signed off at 5:12:37 PM.
nicklov128bsb signed on at 5:12:45 PM.
nicklov128bsb: ya know what i didnt drag you into this
nicklov128bsb: you brought yourself into it
Dimming Memoirs: cori
Dimming Memoirs: if i never said anything to anyone, how did i bring myself into it
nicklov128bsb: well you brought yourself into this becuz i believe rebecca.. so obviously you said it..
Dimming Memoirs: i did not
Dimming Memoirs: believe what you fucking want
nicklov128bsb: no matter how much you tell me you didnt i dont feel i can believe you anymore
nicklov128bsb: i will believe what i fucking want
Dimming Memoirs: go ahead, but dont involve me in it. if ure gonna believe a bitch that hates me, and another bitch that has talked shit about me since i was born, then go ahead
nicklov128bsb: i will then
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